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Jan & Monika

Blog: Two Relationship Topics People Don’t Want to Talk About Until it’s Too Late

MOST PEOPLE WANT LOVING, FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS

But how often do we avoid the confronting, uncomfortable topics, hoping that they work themselves out on their own, while already knowing that they never will? Below are two topics that MUST be discussed in the beginning of a relationship instead of waiting until it’s too late. And if you’re reading this, and you haven’t discussed these topics, then now is as good a time as any to start. My intention is that this brings clarity and agreement between you and the people you love!!

1. Is arguing a typical state in every relationship?

 

Can you genuinely remove arguing from a relationship, or do you believe arguing is a natural part of a healthy relationship? What happens if you find arguing detrimental, but your partner finds it natural? What’s the difference between an argument and a conversation? This is definitely a subjective topic, and it lives in the mental and emotional realms of human interaction. I have been in relationships where we always argued, and I’ve been in relationships where we never argued. Neither way seemed better than the other. In fact, I have been in relationships where arguing was productive and it provided a way for both of us to share our perspective, and I have also been in relationships where arguments shut down any chance of connection and communication. The underlying desire in all relationships is always to be heard, seen and understood. Also, I observed that one of us inevitably would hold a perspective, an idea that we felt we were right about and would by no means shift off of our position. This was often more harmful arguing because it came with the fight to prove something, and pursue the surrender of someone’s values or belief. I have come to learn with wisdom and deep respect for my husband that he is always longing to love and see me. Now, when we aren’t in agreement, we don’t need to argue. Rather, we need to listen. Listen for the message underneath the hurt, the pain, the anger. When we can step out of our position long enough to hear another perspective, even if we don’t agree, we can have empathy and appreciation for a different point of view.

2. Is Being Faithful Hard?

 

First: I want you to consider: If being faithful is easy, then why do so many people cheat?

Have you asked your partner if they’ve always been faithful, or what their thoughts on cheating are? If not… it is time to. When you know what your values are, it will be way easier to navigate rough waters.

And just to clarify, I’m not only talking about physical encounters. Many people limit their definition of cheating to physical encounters. However, most infidelities don’t leap to the physical. People tend to work their way up to the physical point, but what about all those missteps taken on the way there? This is sooo important to face. Are you a person who wonders if you can be with the same partner for the next 70+ years? If you are, it is totally normal. We change thoughts, jobs, financial situations, beliefs, life experiences, and cells all the time, so why not partners? I have had so many clients struggle with the internal dialogue that I love my partner completely, and I am also curious about the explorations and variety in the big world that I am missing. This is often why people jump from relationship to relationship. They are always asking themselves if this is the best they can do. I cannot speak to what you should do, but I can tell you that by having an open and clear dialogue about it, and really addressing the fears, the needs, and the cravings, you can openly and honestly navigate these important issues, instead of avoiding them and inadvertently hurting someone by denying the truth inside. The silence has often done more damage in relationships, than the free feeling of having the conversation on the table.

The less we hide… the more faithful we are to ourselves and consequently our partners.

This question was posed online and it sparked me to write this blog because I saw that most people responded to the question saying that being faithful is easy. What an interesting theory. Does that mean that those who are faithful are relatively stronger than those who are not? If so, what makes them so strong? Is it a strong moral resolve? Values? Ethics? Or do they simply have more will-power than their cheating-prone counterparts? Does this mean once a cheater, always a cheater?

If so, then telling someone who has cheated to simply avoid, or stop, cheating is like telling a drug addict to stop doing drugs. Yes, you’ve identified a solution, but if it were that simple then no one would cheat (or do drugs). This is why I think it’s important to identify the true cause of what created the impulse to cheat in order to successfully address the issue, rather than make blanket and dismissive statements.

I believe very strongly that there is nothing that defines us indefinitely. There is no “Once X, then always X” in my philosophy. I have seen miracles in the world of love, marriage, fidelity and rehabilitation, and I believe it is possible to heal from the past. The issue is recognizing that one actually has a new choice to make, and that their past is not their permanent state.

Working with couples over the past 20 years has been priceless. I have witnessed courage and intense commitment. I have seen a bold brave willingness of people to own, grow and forgive each other. I have experienced the freedom that comes on the other side of admission of shame, healing of misunderstandings and blame, and a desire to be honest. Not all relationships are intended to remain in partnership. Some people are better left forgiven and departed. But the gift of witnessing so many willing to take the journey to get to respect, love and appreciation for another soul, doing their best, is humbling and it touches me deeply.

I am so grateful for the lessons God has put in my path, and the many inner children who are finally healthy, happy and thriving. You DESERVE to love, to be loved and to be seen, heard, and fully understood.

 

Don’t settle… you get what you want.

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